It’s been a minute since I put anything to paper proverbially speaking, because I have been and continue to be, in limbo. Truth be told my family has been considering moving back to our home state of North Carolina which is no small feat (especially once there is a kid involved). As a registered nurse it turns out I am very hirable, a little too hirable if that is even possible. I keep having to turn down jobs while I wait to see where we will land, and I am hesitant to officially launch my menopause guidance venture because I really don’t want to manage taxes as a business owner in two states if I can avoid it. Thus, the agony of mental purgatory has plagued me much of this summer into the imminent fall season.
I am pretty sure no one likes being in limbo, but I LOATHE it. Firstly, I am a Taurus, enough said. Secondly, I am someone who will grasp onto whichever and whatever potential life-path presents itself in the ether, and romantically commit to its future. My imagination flourishes in many scenarios, this being one of them. For this same reason I pivot pretty easily—when one door closes and another opens it’s off to the races for my brain. However, I love a plan in the face of any new phase, especially if there is a gut punch involved. I love change and the unknown in its infinite potential. The issue is if I cannot “prepare” in some sense; I languish and this is what I am trying to come to terms with because I am ultimately never in control, it’s life’s biggest ruse. So once again I am attempting to sit in discomfort.
This is my first major transition in four years that is occurring outside of my body. When I stop to think about it, my body has remained in flux since becoming pregnant in April of 2020. Thankfully, I am at a stable point with my menopause hormone replacement therapy and while nothing is perfect and this will we/won’t we uproot our lives as we have known it for the past ten years continues, the lack of a buffer to stress that comes with menopause and having a small child is about as good as it can be. One thing I wish it was easier for me to turn to in these times is writing! It is incredibly powerful for the type of human I am, to force the feelings and connections outside of my head. The problem is when my life is up in the air, writing feels… clunky. Once you have felt what it's like to have thoughts effortlessly manifest it is that much harder to sit in front of a blank page and write what feels inane. You don’t have that instant gratification of expelling something shiny with immediacy. Most of the things I have written so far in substack have come easily to me.
Any practice one has requires going through the motions at some point, even the things that one really enjoys. Once I experience the fallout of a move I’m sure I will have plenty to say but for now I am trying to soak up the time I have left with wonderful friends here in Baltimore. I have been oscillating between preemptive grief of losing my community and feeling excited about moving somewhere that will shape my future business and creative practices in ways they otherwise might not evolve. I will be getting to know a version of myself that exists only in this “other” place. What kind of parent will I be with more physical space, but less social framework to buoy me during the incessant recalibration that is raising a child? I will be me, and also a different parent wherever we land. Either way, my reaction to uncomfortable things is to project into the future, holding my breath and barreling through the transition. Once again, raising my kid is re-raising myself, and as I see her easily frustrated, crying upon wake-up because she doesn’t want to go to school, I can’t help but think THIS is how you deal with a transition. Today was her first day and on the way in the car she told me “I don’t know why I feel so insane today” which made me laugh. I had to tell her I feel crazy too, which is true, and that change is really hard on most people to which she responded “Well I felt insane FIRST”.
I am trying to be gentle with myself. There will be plenty more opportunities to handle “wait and see” moments. While I am not writing as much as I would like (and maybe should) I am reading a LOT, which is both soothing and helping me escape my current state of suspension. Often it inspires me to write so I hope that happens soon. Right now I am reading When I Sing, Mountains Dance by Irene Solà. It is beautiful, magical realism that is also very human. One minute you are reading from the perspective of the clouds, the next from the perspective of chanterelles. There are witches and widows and sweeping descriptions of the Pyrenees for you to ride into slumber which I need right now because I have trouble sleeping when things are up in the air. I am trying to move my body and having a bed-time book I am excited to get back to that I only read before bed is reinforcing quality sleep. I am spending time with my friends instead of missing them! I cannot wait to see Waxahatchee perform on Friday with a very dear friend and will accompany another on a road trip in early October. I have moved enough times to know that some relationships will fall by the wayside, and those with longevity may shape-shift, but will remain. In the meantime I will soak up as much as I can with the people I love while they are mere neighborhoods away from me. I aspire to add breath work as a regular routine and to sew some fall staples, but more on that another time!
Nice! I'm in. I see you gazing at the snowy Appalachian Mountains with a hot matcha, contemplating as you type up a new sub!